Wednesday, September 26, 2012
So one day, my friend Steve Veltri calls me and he goes "Jeff! I feel like I'm turning into a balloon!" So I hang up immediately, fly over to his house and see that, sure enough, Steve has become a big yellow balloon!" I'm all, "Steve! You ARE a balloon!" Steve slowly turns to me (the turn was slow cause there was like zero airflow in his place and Balloon-Steve had to wait til the breeze naturally rotated him in my direction) and he goes, "Jeff... YOU'RE a balloon too!" And I look down at my hands and what did I see? You guessed it, nothing more than a piece of ribbon that was poorly curled by a CVS employee before attaching it to BALLOON-JEFF!"
So then I woke up from that dream and I went to work. Human-Steve calls me and says "Human-Jeff! There's discussion about another weight loss bet." Me, "I'm listening..." I wasn't listening but I had to say that in order to not break Steve's trust as a friend. Steve and I have made approximately 27 weight-loss bets in the past. So far, the only winners have been Target's big and tall section. Actually they DON'T have that section. What the hell, Target??? You're not my Target anymore. Unless the question is "Which store do you direct your anger toward for not having a big and tall section?" (Two acceptable answers: Target and Hot Topic.)
So, the new bet (with Steve, his brother Brian, and some of Brian's slacker friends who I may or may not remember as hating me in the past) is that we all have until Thanksgiving to lose 25 pounds each. If you don't lose it, you pay up to $100 into the pot. Those who DID lose the weight, get to split the moneys. So far, I'm convinced that I'm winning simply because none of us have mentioned it and my official weight is a guesstimate of "less than before, maybe?"
But, in order to ACTUALLY win this bet, I think I need to post about it. That way, you all can see me out in the world and knock the fries out of my hand yelling "NO, Jeffrey! NO!" (Seriously, I'd be ok with it if you did that... Seriously, though, I might also punch you.)
So now I'm realizing that this post will have to be a multi-part entry. Two reasons: first, there is just SO much Fat Jeff to cover (So much that we'd need a baseball tarp to cover him all the way! LOLOLOLOCOLCOLCOL... <-- That's an LOL turning into a COL which stands for Crying Out Loud). Second reason, cause I'm sleepy from eating too much at lunch. Dammit. Let's make this post about my most major flaw that leads to weight gain. I know, you're thinking "Jeff! Isn't your only flaw that you're TOO great at things??" Ugh. I really wish you were right. And, mostly, you ARE right. But I, too, have flaws just like you Jeffoholics. It's true/horrifying/sad. Here's the one that causes me the most problems:
I am obsessed with soda.
My parents used to restrict soda to weekends and field trips (that soda came wrapped in foil in an attempt to somehow hold its cold temperature throughout half a day). But those restrictions cant hold me! So, when all the other pre-teens were out getting beer and making out with babes, I was biking to CVS, picking up a 12-pack of Dr. Pepper, running down into our finished basement before anyone saw me and playing video games. It was the only time that the phrase "Polished off a 12-pack last night" was uncool to other high schoolers. And here's the worst part: I was so worried that my parents would see the soda cans in the recycle bin that I decided to dispose of them in the basement. Naturally, I put them down into the hole where the sump pump was. (Sump pump: a pump used to remove water that has accumulated in a water-collecting sump basin, commonly found in the basement of homes.) So you can imagine how great it was when our water wasn't draining properly and Rick came up asking why there were so many soda cans and candy wrappers down in there. Note to younger Jeff: Just cause you put things down a hole in the basement, it doesn't mean they disappear.
Your response: "Just drink diet soda, Jeff!" Well slow the fuck down! Cause I DO drink diet soda now. It took many years but I've made that stuff taste close to normal in my brain. Problem is, I suffer from what I call "The Soda Spiral™" Here's how it goes: Jeff gets a snack, he wants a soda to accompany it. Jeff finishes his snack but still has leftover soda! Oh no!! So he gets more snack to go with the rest of the soda. Then he finishes the soda but still has leftover snack! Oh no!! So he gets another soda to accompany his remaining snack. Then he finishes the snack but still has leftover soda! Oh no!! So he gets another snack to go with the remaining soda. But then-- OK you get it.
A similar problem is "The Cereality Sprial™" It's the same basic principle except it goes like this: Jeff pours bowl of cereal, Jeff finishes cereal with extra milk left over, Jeff adds a little cereal to finish the milk off, Jeff now has too much cereal, Jeff adds more milk, Jeff finishes the cereal with more milk left over again, Jeff adds more cereal to finish the milk and so on. Now, there are three types of people in this world, the type who goes and dumps the leftover milk in the sink, the type who fills the bowl with enough cereal to finish the milk, and the type who eventually brings the entire cereal box and milk jug into bed with him to watch a Chopped marathon on The Food Network. Guess which one Jeff is!
And, yes, I know you could just say "Jeff all this comes down to discipline, you jerk!" And that's definitely true. But I just don't have the discipline to remember that.
Speaking of remembering to do things, I forgot that I'm gonna try to end every blog post with a "What is Jeff watching" part. So, right now, I'm watching an iTunes Festival concert of Mumford & Sons. Listen to them if you wanna be like Jeff. Might be becoming my favorite band right now? We don't know! We DO know that I'm happy to advertise for them. Would accept payment in the form of food!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
STEP 1: Buying the right card.
Your mom doesn't want you to waste time. So your goal is to be in and out of that card aisle in less than 30 seconds. Wanna know how I picked out my card? Of course you do. I wasn't even planning on getting it. I was in Target, buying facial moisturizer and taco shells and saw the card aisle. "Oh shit! I should get a card," I said. So, in I went. Keeping the 30-second rule in mind, I grabbed the first piece of cardboard I saw. Here's what I ended up with:
And the inside:
I know what you're thinking: "Jeff, you just got lucky. There's no way I'll get such a perfect card with the 30-second rule!" Well stop being a moron about it. The whole thing is getting a card. Then we'll move on to...
STEP 2: Card adjustment.
Look, she just wants a card. She loves cards. What else does she love? Crafts. Needless to say, you don't have time to make another God's Eye or handprint clay thingy. She still has your old ones anyway. So this card is your craft! Are you stuck searching for inspiration? Search no further! Here's what I did with mine:
Whoa! Is that even the same card?? It got mother's day-ed! Now your mom will be all impressed and shit. And, most importantly, she'll know that your crafting skills never really left you.
STEP 3: Personalization.
What's the worst thing about those sappy mother's day cards? You'd never say that stuff to her! So you want to add a message in the card. I lucked out on the one I got. The pre-printed message says "It's time to get your wish on!" And that's pretty much what I would've said anyway. I always want my mom to get her wish on, regardless of the day. But you still gotta add that touch of personality to the card. Here's what I did:
What a cute kid! What a cute cat! And what a cute Jeff!! Wanna know the secret? We don't even HAVE a cat. But I told her to tell the cat I said hi. What does that say to my mom? It says "You raised a thoughtful and friendly son who anticipates possible change and adjusts for it." I can't think of a better present. Can you? No. You can't.
Congratulations! You just learned my three easy steps to geting the perfect mother's day card. Just remember to give it to her and you're set. I know that this will make her so happy that she'll want to thank me personally. Just tell her not to send me a card. I don't want crap like that. Unless it has money inside.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
This can only end badly.
Here's the thing: I'm doing lots of stuff right now. I'd call it throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks, but little fat Jeff from the past still won't let me waste food.
One of those things is that me and my friends started this comedy troupe. It's called Fat Cousin and you can follow our twitterings HERE. If you don't want to follow us, there isn't something wrong with you, there's lots of things wrong with you. We started writing and filming sketches. Many of them involve me getting hit with something. Those sketches will be coming out soon! Tonight, we had a meeting. And one of our members who is also our treasurer had to collect money from everyone. Needless to say, it got confusing. So he emailed all of us this infographic. I'm sharing it with you now. Without his permission. Here it is.
What's Jeff watching? Still Mad Money. It's the lightning round. Which usually means that a bunch of old people call in and spend a few seconds saying "Hello? Am I on? I love the show!" And then Jim and the caller talk over each other. Really slows down the program, actually.
EVERY YEAR this happens. It also so happens that Jeff can't sleep right now. Or ever. Judes Chlebus (one half creator of Jeff) once said that she thought Jeff was a vampire. Which MEANS that I started the vampire craze!! You're welcome, Twilight saga. Give Jeff some money!
Ok so what's new? No, I'm not asking you. I'm imagining you asking me so I can type about it. Man, this is an awful first post after a long absence.
But this is the new direction of the Chleblog. I used to write a post. Then edit it. Then let it sit for a night. Then re-write it. And we all saw how awful those posts ended up anyway, right? (Note to Jeff: Don't get caught in rewriting circles in blog, script, tweet, etc).
Moving on. Here's my new plans for the blog: Unediting. I figure if I make a blog post less of a process for me, then I can just post more often and it will inevitably more sloppy. Which maybe is just good cause at least I'm writing something to the eight people who will read it (Two reads from Judes and six reads from Jeff equals eight reads!).
So, things will get more random. More short. More unedited. More repetitive. More stupider. More random. And maybe I'll end each post with this:
What's Jeff watching? He's watching Mad Money even though he has no money to invest. And that makes him mad.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
We now have something to decorate our walls with (Suggestions of putting several hand-painted portraits of Jeff on the walls: curiously shot down).
So now that youve seen TWO posters youre DOUBLY excited to see what Dani does when a professional poker player needs her help on NECESSARY ROUGHNESS TONIGHT, right?!?!?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Necessary Roughness - "Spinning Out"
For official USA promo for this episode, you should click RIGHT HERE!!
By now, you've clicked that link and watched the preview of tonight's episode and you're insanely pumped! Possibly so pumped that you can't see straight (Note: seeing straight does NOT improve the enjoyment of this blog)...But you should make sure you can see straight before tonight so you can properly enjoy seeing Matt Barr with his Jeffish blonde hair going to Dr. Dani to try and get his head right so he can get back into Nascar!!
Working on this episodes is one of the first things I remember from working on the show. When we first started Necessary Roughness, we worked on pieces of this story at Sony studios (With the Yogurtland ON LOT.... YOGURTLAND!!!) but we only had a tiny, one person office...A one-person office split among THREE people... or, better put: Two normal-sized people and Jeff. No good.
There were two desks shoved in the office for Liz and Craig (The Krugpiros), and then Jeff (Chlebus) would sit in a non-Jeff-sized chair.
I googled "tiny chair" and this came up. It doesn't REAAALLY display the person-to-chair-size ratio but I couldn't NOT put it up. And I don't hear anyone complaining about the cuteness.
It was just the only space available! The Krugpiros had only emailed for me to come help them about a week before so we didn't even have a show at the time, much less the proper set-up. (We got the order about a week later. That's when Liz ran across the quad with Jeff chasing her with a hot cup of coffee he had been drinking cause he didn't want to miss the news and he certainly wasn't going to let his coffee get cold.)
The main thing I remember is sitting in that tiny chair (Aside from looking only slightly less-adorable than the dog in the chair picture) while Liz was on the ground breaking story on a cork board. Now that I think about it, I realize how much to NOT get married to early ideas. If they don't work, they don't work. We had a TK bit that I LOVED when we first thought it up in that tiny office and we ended up changing around a ton of it by the time the final draft of the script went out. Just didn't work. I still think it could work in a future episode though (foreshadowing!?!?).
OH! I almost forgot, this episode will be even BETTER for me (and we all want things to be better for me, right?) cause I pitched an accent to the TK story that we ended up using! I mean, I thought it was kind of funny (Liz LOVED it off the bat, of course. She's a bigtime Jeffoholic) but I figured it would eventually die in script or in post. I pretty much dismissed it, but IT LIVED!!! Not only did it live, but Mehcad (TK) improvised some lines with it that made it at least 7 times better if my math's right. (I was really good at math).
Hmmm so one idea that I loved died, but another one that I dismissed lived. And in the end, the episode thrived.
....Note to Jeff: Don't get married to an early idea, but don't dismiss one either.
Proof positive from last week's Necessary Roughness episode, "Anchor Management." I thought I'd have to obsessively sit and refresh Twitter (just your standard Jeff night) until we trended but it happened in the first 15 minutes! Take THAT, outdated rap group NWA and Posey!!!
By the way, what the hell Is Posey? A band or something? Or is it just that a lot of people were talking about how nice Posies, the flower type, are? I mean THAT I'd understand. Posies are a delight. And it's summer after all.
...Ok, nope. Just googled it. They're spelled "Posy" hmmm. See, I don't get that. Shouldn't it seem like there should be an E there? I mean I'm not a flower expert but I did pretty well in Language Arts. Maybe it was just cause the teacher had a crush on me? Gotta be.
But I DO remember that I was so good at spelling that I missed that spelling test in Mrs. Shmuzyack's class (faking sick to watch game shows). And when I went back to do the make-up, she said "eh, you'd just get an A." AND I DIDNT HAVE TO TAKE THE TEST!! Wait, nope. Wrong again, Jeff. See, SHE was always eyeballing me too. Dammit!! How far can one get in life on good looks and pretty hair alone??? Apparently pretty far!